Good things in life are hard to find

Henceforth, it will be www.fairixora.blogspot.com.

Day 3 :- Wasnt in my best mood. Got frustrated for having to be made the model instead of an actor. Head was feeling terribly woozy. Totally off track.

Day 4 :- Review of roles. Euphoria strikes me when I’m given a more down-to-earth role in varios scenes. No more Ms Pretty. Now that’s more i like it. And the best thing is, I got to dance! Woppedidooo da di da la da. The 2 guys? Mat rockers la beb!..and uh, the twinkling fairies as well.hehe! Cute!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

And i have a notebook to call my own.

Back to my old routine of 9mths….

because it really is the same as before…

My thoughts…

are disorganised…

Still sorting out..

Eeeaaarrgh~

“Desire: The cause of endless trouble between men and women.”

And i’m going to be casted as THE BRIDE…

And so the 1st rehearsal kicked off. It left me with feelings of intimidation and inferiority over my limited talents.
Took me the whole session to fine tune to the people around me.50 ppl, excluding the trainers, all confined within the four walls of a studio, is enuf to cause massive disruption to my confidence.
They’re overwhelmingly good. I repeat,Overwhelming.Now that’s the problem.
For instance,the 1st facial expression we were told to project is a sad outlook.HEck! A few managed to even cry!  As for me, i had difficulty to stop myself from grining like a goon when I supposedly had to frown.
 I had to retrospect my memory to a series of unfortunate events to help me ‘cry’. Instead, my mind was thinkin of the mischiefs i’ve done with Kak Yani back in the office.It didnt help when  you have someone wacky like Jaafar, sticking out his tongue beside you. hehe.
When I cracked in laughter, I thought my role in sobbing between scenes was dead over. Gawd, i think this journey to the big day is more dramatic than the musical itself. I guess I might need more of dark knight’s help to untangle my nerves. The last time i auditioned I encountered a nervos breakdown.
Oh just in case you’re wondering what i’m rattling about, I’ve stupidly enrolled myself and got selected to perform in HDB’s 50th Anniversary
Musical. Only then did I remember I have serious stage fright.
I realised I’ve set a trap for myself to potentially make the biggest blunder in my life.
 Gawd~ What nonsense have I gotten myself into this time.

Lets hope I wont make a fool of myself infront of Mr President and Prime Minister.

And so today.. productivity at its worst.

Still getting the hangover..

God..

Help me…

Save me, from myself..

Sidetrack~

It’s been almost a week after raya. Life goes on.
I’ve lost the raya vibes eversince I break out of the “collection” mentality.
The sense of wanderment diminishes as I grow older.
Every year the same thing happens. we don our pretty clothes and take pictures. visit relatives that we see only once a year… people breathing out yearly apologies for their yearly sins, which undoubtedly will be committed again and the cycle continues.
Besides, the Arifin clan is too complicated to completely unite the whole family. I miss growing up with my cousins..

ERggH~

Tonite,

Lemme sleep on it.

Just want to curl up and void all emotions.

Enough for today.

Out~

I burnt my heart playing…
The fire feels no pain - I did.
It’s been great while it lasted.
Waking up with this kind of feeling is not always very healthy. I know..I know where the line is clearly drawn.
Unfortunately, the distraction is inevitable. Peculiarly, I thought I could manage this much better. All this while I was able to whisk these in stride. What diff it does for this. But I’ve been too pompous; to actually think I could swallow this. For once I falter. This tenacious fortress that i’ve been bulding around myself is just a mere illusion that seems to be crumbling. I need to regain my strength desperately now.

Soon somewhere in my life, 
I definitely have to let you go.
It’s just a matter of time.

You.
It’s hard…to tell you what my mind is thinking..what my heart is feeling.
I’m not lying - just not saying it.

I love you..I love you too..

Bah~~
Sometimes all i feel that i’m only good at, is being young.

I’m totally wasted.
Goodnight.

Some might be wondering, where the hell have i been. Well truth to be told, i have as well.heh.

I don’t really have an excuse besides that I’ve been occupied  alot lately. Courses, therapy, leaves/time-offs, MC, dance…
I found out that days really pass fast. I’m not sure of which path I want to follow. Im now just doing what I know until my mind changes.

My conscience is nw flipping to the other side of the coin.

Because lately, I’ve been thinking of all the details I’ve been glossing over.

The truth is written in well-written song lyrics that expose my situation in detail.
How my life recently has been well, misguided, for a start..
My mind has been too addled lately.
It’s really sad that I’m this lost but I’d rather seize every living opportunity then miss out on it totally. Settling for cliches hurts me.
On the contrary, when refined to a point, my senses are keen. At times I find the need to remind myself of some concrete truths. And i’m glad I’m smart enough to weigh the difference….

……
….
..

I need to sort myself. Seriosly.

So today..I dreamt a wonderlust dream…
Damn! U’re suppose to fade by nw boy!
I guessed i think of my memories too much.

My alone time is important. Be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it, and it might not be what you want.
I’m diggin’ the irony.

I’m not here to get philosophical today, or even do a to-do list, I’m just waking up.

Sometimes it’s just hard to be just exactly that - reasonably sane.

Whatever. Sometimes you just come to a point where you’re suddenly at your brink and you explode, not caring about the consequences, not caring about what you say or do, so much so that everything that you do say or do is incredibly stupid.

I wonder…did i make a pact with d devil? It’s moving on fast, in an intensely good way though..But where to? I’m asking myself this.

Thinking back on the things I’ve been through that nobody else knows about except the people who is or are participating in them. I don’t think I’d ever be able to tell anyone - mostly because they’d probably never believe me. Or they’d end up hating me for having that kind of stinking guts.

But then, again, i dnt care. I hate ppl, in general, and only care bout what a few ppl think. Ppl that matters, to be exact.

Lately I’ve been telling my friends how I want to do things that i’ve never done before.  Surprised they were, but glad that i’m unveiling my ‘mask’ and just be happy and spontaneous. I just want to spend my lást few mmts of ’singlehood’  doing all the crazy things. Things that one wud nvr think i would ever do. I constantly feel deprived..over many things. blah~ I’m not scared of the consequences anymore. I dunno y but i’m just…excited.

Anw, I’m banking on the fact that I have a vague knowledge of terminologies of sex, my love for sports and dance, my joy of being around my pets, snap every single living thing that come across me and always choosing to be the technician instead of a maid at home, yet hoping I would be able to be normal again one day.

…if not, it’s ok.  I love not being a girly-girl.

hahhhhh~~

I just wanted to get some thoughts down about this subject.

I’m darn tired of having to keep my chin up for mths nw…I realised hw much I’ve grown as a person since I entered the workforce.
 Seeing that construction site makes me remember our upcoming wedding.
The future luks rather grey. God noes what’s bothering me. Gettin thru this phase painstakingly and curbing this feeling deep within is hurting me ; MY own self.I think the past few mths was just about HANGIN’ ON with my situation. I’m eating myself up to death. I’m my own worst enemy.

Oh what a beautiful mess, this is…

Just slogged in 2 muscle relaxant pills. My head is feeling heavy nw.

I’m out.